Winter Blues

And yet again here I sit. This time I've been overlooked for a 22 year old fuck up. Nice. And he knew I wanted to do something tonight.

R + Abe + new 350Z + Imperial Beach + Far East Rock + new golf clubs + booze + holiday weekend = ???

Please feel free to insert any number of concequences here.

Here are some I'm thinking of:
Bar fight = cops = arrest.
Stolen car.
Broken into car = stolen golf clubs.
DUI.
Broken down door.
Crying wife.
Somebody getting killed because of drinking and driving.
Late night phone calls.

Let me just say I'm really done. I thought he was more sophistcated than this.

All I can say now is that I'm so glad marriage counciling starts up again on Friday. This will definately come up. It has got to stop.

I have a mind to call the cops tonight if he shows up with the little fuck in tow. R say's he feels obligated to him. OK. Why, I ask. What does a 33 year old man have in common with a 22 year old brat who has already gotten 2 DUI's, refuses to go to school, has to take the bus everywhere he goes, spends all his money on drugs booze and cigs, who is rude to his wife. I gave the kid a chance and then he ruined my carpet and couch and was a snot about it. Whee fun.

This whole thing disgusts me. I truly do feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

Other than that the world is just grand. I get the house to myself, I'll punch up a movie on the digital cable, I'll order chinese food, I'll let my hair air-dry and do a clay mask.

Lemons into lemonaide - done.

I just hope the boy comes home in one piece - preferably tomorrow.

My father was sick. Very sick.

I was the one who was available to bring him back and forth to the hospital for radiation and chemo treatments.

Every day. For months.

I felt like I was driving him to his death.

Even though I know it wasn't me that killed him, I feel like it was me who tore him down bit by bit, cell by cell. Mile by mile. Carted him back and forth waiting for the inevitable end.

It was the cancer... lung then liver then bone then brain.

All the miles added up to nothing. The chemo only tore apart, it did not rebuild. It's not supposed to. I wish it did.

This May 16th marks the 10th aniversary of his death. I'm going back to make peace with him on that day. 2,856 miles.

Those miles will heal this time.

Well....

Just a bit drunk right now, so I have a real excuse for typos. Just as long as that's clear...

R's been at work for about a month now. I actually like having him around. It's working. So far. He seems to be working his way into our office culture very well. It's nice to hear laughter coming from the other side of the office.

Drunk. More buzzed than drunk. I'm at that point where I could go either way... drink way more than I should or just fall asleep. I'm thinking it will be the latter. No problem.

Gotta love a well made Bloody Mary. The local watering hole makes the best.

Solo day for me tomorrow. I'm excited. I get to go for a fitting for my dress for my mom's wedding, I think I'm going to make a quick (hopefully) through Nordstrom's lingerie department and stop and pick up a few more books to read. I have to have more than one going at a time or I feel a bit lost. Go figure.

I really wish I could record how many typos I've made and how many times I've had to backspace to fix things. How funny. I can type, I swear.

Ooooooo.... yeah..... That mean lady at work got fired today. Very very interesting. Some people are very very happy. Others are PISSED!! Our year-end (fiscal) meeting is Monday at 8:00. This should be good. Very Very interesting. I'm sure this will be a hot topic for a while. I really need to stay out of it. Fine by me.

My tummy is very very full. I really wish I didn't have such a phobia about vomiting. I could use a pressure change right about now. Not to mention those damn hot wings. I'm going to pay for that tomorrow. Nothing like ulcers in your intestines. Time for the little white pill. My only salvation as of late. I need to get back in to see my doctor again. There is some serious tom-foolery going on inside my gut. Must drink water.

Guh.

Nite....

I yearn for the day I'll have something happy or fun to write about in this blog.

That ain't happening in the near future as far as I can see.

I'm feeling lonely, negelcted, fat, puffy, hungry, lazy, sore, tired, stressed, cold, mean, snotty, lost, confused, bored, scared, worried, undone, passionless, directionless, greasy, smelly, tense, impatient, lackluster, empty, and in serious need of a pedicure.

What's a gal to do?

I'd love to go shopping but can't. No cash flow right now. And I refuse to bust out the credit cards. I want to buy a plane ticket and fly out of here to some remote place like Maldives or Borneo or even Key West. Just a quiet little place all of my own to sort out all of my growing pains and troubles. I need a fresh start.

27 was a tough year for me. Is 31 going to be the same? Maybe. It's sure looking that way. I have got to nip this nastiness in the bud and turn this crap around, but I'm not sure where to start. Paxil, anyone?

The year is a cycle. The up-swing being your birthday. The low point six months out. I should be just about on my way back up.

I just feel like eating a huge piece of chocolate cake in one inhale and then eating a second piece bit by bit. Then I'll just feel like crap and guilty. I've got a dress to fit into for my mom's wedding in six weeks and then my 10 year reunion at college back in Ohio. Gotta look stellar for that! I'm one of the few who broke away from the Ohio ties. The only one in California. I've got a reputation to uphold! I was the chick all the guys fell over themselves for and they never got a piece of me. It drove them nuts! I never dated anyone on campus. Too damn complicated! Maybe I should go for a run instead. Much more productive, don't you think?

I think I have to start pouring myself into myself. Makes sense...

Today would have been my parent's 40th wedding anniversary.

Mom's starting to come a bit unglued. She called me at work and left a message. She was crying. She said that Dick went to mass on Sunday and lit a candle for him. And one for each of us to help us through these next few weeks. She called later this evening and was in a great mood asking if she could borrow the cake knife and server I used for my wedding. I'm not sure if she wants to use it - I found it in a box and it is engraved with R & my names and our wedding date. I'm thinking she'll want to get her own.

Her wedding is May 1st.

It's kind of sandwiched between some difficult days. Today and May 16th - the day dad died ten years ago.

She'll be OK. It's a new chapter for her too.

I guess it's not so Winter Blues today. This whole weekend, as a matter of fact. We are in the middle of a Santa Anna. It's hot. Upper 80's today. It is March, isn't it?

It's been a while since I sat down and actually wrote something. I just haven't been in the mood.

I'm hoping it's the full moon or something. There are a lot of negative people in my life and a lot of negative things are happening all at once. People who are typically "glass half full" types are "glass half empty" types as of late. Unfortunately, I'll have to include myself in that group a bit here and there.

It is amazing how people get so freaked out when I'm not my usual self. It's like they almost take offence or something. God forbid I be human. I'm just dragging a bit. There has been massive change in my life and I'm not sure how it's all going to pan out. I'm just kind of waiting on the sidelines observing so me and my crappy moods don't get in the way.

Here's the deal. Vince finally hired R in a sales/project management position. He sits just across from me, where I can see him, but he can't see me. I was so nervous and anxious today. Scared, almost. Butterflies. Nausea. All of that, but I have a good feeling somewhere deep down. I know that everything will work out. I'm worried that he has no idea what he has gotten himself into. He'll flounder, but will catch on quickly. I just don't want him to get discouraged too quickly. I have been in the Interior Deign/Furniture business for eight years and I'm still learning on a daily basis. There is no way to know everything. I just hope he hasn't set his goals too high and has left some room for change and error.

I have heard stories on both sides of the fence. Spouses either work wonderfully together or it ends in disaster. At least I won't be working with him on the same team. That is a good thing. He seems to be happy. At least we'll be able to pay off our massive debt from when he wasn't working. Everything went on credit cards. Yikes. Not good.

On another note. I belong to a community of great people. There is such a diversiy between all of these folks, it's astounding. However, they all come together in the interest of music. There was a get-together with those folks in San Francisco this past weekend. I wish I had gone. I saw some photos of some of the peole I chat with on a regualr basis. It was so nice to put a face with the names. Some looked exactly like I expected, others nothing at all. It was funny to me to see those folks who are the most antagonistic - the ones who have something to say about everything and truly argumentitive and downright sneaky. I had them pictured as hard-nosed mean looking smart ass SOB's (whatever that looks like!) and - I'll be! They look like big squishy teddy bears. WTF. I wish I was there to give them great big hugs. I just have to smile and shake my head. They don't look so dangerous after all.

I have always wondered what people were like when they were children. What did they look like? Did they like vegetables? Who did they hang out with in school? Were they picked first or last in gym class? What do they regret in their lives? Was there a defining moment of truth for them that shaped the way they are now? Did they play Operation or Go Fish or Hi-Ho the Cherry-O? What were their parents like? Who was that gal/boy they let get away? Did they have to wear hand-me-downs? Crushes? Mentors? Idols? Were they forced to go to church or did they want to go? Did they have a favorite stuffed animal? A pet?

Whenever I get pissed at someone, I try to imagine them as a child. It gets harder to be pissed. It makes things easier to resolve.

Drugs suck. They fuck up lives. They cause anguish to those people who love them. They tear apart families. They make friends angry. You try to help, but they won't take it if they don't want it. And... they don't want it. Unless they hit rock bottom, I mean really rock bottom. But even then. It makes me so angry. So frustrated. So sad. So betrayed. Why. Why? It's so damn selfish. I don't get it. This subject came up for me again today. It's so anguishing to see others hurt. There are no words to express the emptiness.

Here I go... I got started. It came up in a conversation the other day that I was pissed that a friend of mine, a 33 week pregnant friend of mine has been smoking cigarettes and pot and drinking throughout her pregnancy. The response was... "well... my mom smoked and drank through her pregnancy with me and I turned out fine. That was before they knew it was bad." Here's what I thought... now that it is well known that smoking and drinking are bad for the fetus... WHY THEY HELL WOULD YOU DO IT??!!! The second you find out that you are pregnant, your body stops being yours alone. End of story. MY mother smoked and drank through her pregnancy with me and I almost died, and she almost died, and my dad was almost left alone and my brother would never have happened. I was over a month early, jaundiced, low, low birth weight, asthma and other health issues. For the first four years of my life I spent more time in the hospital than any child should ever have to. I cannot justify in my mind that a smoke or a toke or a sip is OK when you are pregnant. No. Never. Not ever. No one will ever be able to tell me any differently.

My head is just spinning right now. I feel un-grounded and un-centered. Off track. Need a shove in the right direction. Need a good laugh and 6 more hours in the day. I need to go read my cards and balance my chakras or something.

Enough for tonight. Hopefully the next time I write, I'l have some happier things to talk about. I'm just being eaten alive right now. It's got to come out somewhere.

What a week. It's been wierd. Like the moon is full or there is something unknown waiting in the wings.

I did a lot of reflecting on my marriage yesterday and today. We had our third session with our marriage councelors on Thursday. I had a real eye opener as to just how angry I am. And it has some to do with the marriage, but more so to do with my family life before I moved to California.

My parents were both super over-achievers. I was expected to do the same. I was enrolled in every type of lesson possible - piano, viola, cello, oboe, flute, dance, horseback riding, ice skating, swim team, musical theatre, soccer. Great. There was next to no family time. That time was spent with me ashamed that I didn't always bring home A's on my report card. That was no way to be a kid. I never really knew my parents for who they were.

Another issue was that I feel almost cheated out of time with my father. He died too damn soon. I never knew him as an adult, could never talk to him really truly one on one, and as I was just getting to that point, he died. Blech.

There are so many things I want to achieve in my life. I'm wondering if I need to chill out a bit and not drive so damn hard. I think I may be passing things by because I'm looking too hard for them. Does that make sense? I've been a nervous ball of energy lately and it's starting to affect my sleep and my demeanor. I want to let go of something, but I'm not sure what that something is. What should I cut loose? Maybe there is a hole I need to fill. Maybe I need to get a dog. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

I just need to turn off for a bit. Give the brain a rest. Go back to yoga classes. I'm paying for a membership, but I haven't been going. Bad bad me. Maybe a three month leave of absence. Yeah right. I know the world won't stop revolving if I go away for a while, but I just can't tear away right now. Maybe that is the best time to go?

I think I'm going to go read my cards. Yes - I can read cards. I love it. Even if it is all specualtion or a subjective view, at least it is a view into my insides and what I'm thinking. Good on me. Then I'll balance my chakras, stretch, and go to sleep. Good deal. Maybe some soup first. I have left over WonTon soup from dinner last night. Yum.