Winter Blues

What a week. It's been wierd. Like the moon is full or there is something unknown waiting in the wings.

I did a lot of reflecting on my marriage yesterday and today. We had our third session with our marriage councelors on Thursday. I had a real eye opener as to just how angry I am. And it has some to do with the marriage, but more so to do with my family life before I moved to California.

My parents were both super over-achievers. I was expected to do the same. I was enrolled in every type of lesson possible - piano, viola, cello, oboe, flute, dance, horseback riding, ice skating, swim team, musical theatre, soccer. Great. There was next to no family time. That time was spent with me ashamed that I didn't always bring home A's on my report card. That was no way to be a kid. I never really knew my parents for who they were.

Another issue was that I feel almost cheated out of time with my father. He died too damn soon. I never knew him as an adult, could never talk to him really truly one on one, and as I was just getting to that point, he died. Blech.

There are so many things I want to achieve in my life. I'm wondering if I need to chill out a bit and not drive so damn hard. I think I may be passing things by because I'm looking too hard for them. Does that make sense? I've been a nervous ball of energy lately and it's starting to affect my sleep and my demeanor. I want to let go of something, but I'm not sure what that something is. What should I cut loose? Maybe there is a hole I need to fill. Maybe I need to get a dog. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

I just need to turn off for a bit. Give the brain a rest. Go back to yoga classes. I'm paying for a membership, but I haven't been going. Bad bad me. Maybe a three month leave of absence. Yeah right. I know the world won't stop revolving if I go away for a while, but I just can't tear away right now. Maybe that is the best time to go?

I think I'm going to go read my cards. Yes - I can read cards. I love it. Even if it is all specualtion or a subjective view, at least it is a view into my insides and what I'm thinking. Good on me. Then I'll balance my chakras, stretch, and go to sleep. Good deal. Maybe some soup first. I have left over WonTon soup from dinner last night. Yum.

I swear there is something brewing. Something big. Something new. Something with the potential to be slightly scary.

It's like there is something waiting in the wings to pounce, to prey, to change.

People who are normally sweet and kind are out of control. Those folks I usually avoid are asking for favors.

Something is going to change and I'm not sure if its good, bad or otherwise.

Paranoid... No. Wishing to be prepared... Yes. Can I ever be prepared? That can be debated.

Change is a-coming. I can feel it everywhere. Maybe it's the moon, the rain, the mood, the tone.

I'll figure it out... I know it. There is potential to divert bad to good. Thoughts go out across the universe like an energy unleashed. They are filtering my way with such a voracity and hunger that I'm a bit overwhelmed.

Sensitivity to your environment can be a good thing. There is just so much going on right now. I want to run and hide but know if I do I'll miss something.

So I stay where I am, eyes wide open. Aware. Awake. Feeling.

I'm so glad it's Friday.

I have a baby shower to go to tomorrow. I don't want to go. Should be interesting.

I think our PB bar gal got the talking to today about her wardrobe selections. She looks a little pissed. I'm sure she'll tell me about it on Monday. I hope she's going to deal with it well. She could go so much further if she dressed a bit more professionally. We'll see.

I think we're going to rent Secondhand Lions tonight. I can't wait to see it.

Tomorrow is the shower in the morning. I have to be over at Christine's house at 9:30 to wrap presents and help her finish up the food. The shower starts at 11:00. R & I and M & L are going to go to a Gulls game & dinner tomorrow night. Should be fun. I love watching hockey! I think it's so funny that the refs don't break up fights. The crowd goes nuts!

Oh... Christine had t put her dog to sleep on Monday. I was crying when she was telling me about it the other day. Funny thing... the night she put him to sleep (and I had no idea that she did) I had a dream that we were out puppy shopping together for her. Bizarre. It was time for him to go. The cancer was just too much. It was laughing at the meds. Poor dog was so miserable. His lymph nodes were so swollen. C's going to keep the ashes.

Gotta go. I'll write about the shower this weekend. Should be a good story.

Got a letter in the mail yesterday. It was the letter for my 10 year reunion with the group I went to Europe with in college.

It brought back all kinds of memories.

My dad got sick about 11 years ago. He had lung cancer (Please, please, please never smoke - it does not make you look "cool" or "older" - only stupid.) that metastisized into liver cancer, then bone cancer then brain cancer. He was insistent that I go on the 4 month trip. I left for London.

I was in London for 5 days when I got this horrible nagging idea in my head that I had to call home immediately. I called and the hospice nurse answered. She said that dad had just had a very large seizure and the ambulance had just taken him to the hospital. I was on the next plane home as the rest of the group went on to Amsterdam. I got home on a Friday and he died the following Monday, May 16th. His funeral was Friday of that week. I left again for Rome the day after the funeral on a Saturday. He would have wanted me to go. No questions asked. I wouldn't have graduated if I hadn't gone back.

It was wierd when I got into Italy. Most of the group was protective, there were a few who didn't know what to say and ignored me. That sucked.

I called today to talk to Dave in the alumni office. He was the one who sent out the letter. He went on the trip with me too. He was so happy that I was going to be able to make it. We chatted for about 10 minutes.

I'm planning on going. I haven't been back to Ohio in 7 years. Wow. The reunion is on May 15th. Dad died on the 16th. I'm going to go visit him at the cemetery that Sunday. I'm thinking about doing a bit of hiking where we used to go together when I was a kid. The weather should be just about perfect. I'm not sure if I really want to visit with anyone else. I kind of want it to be about me and dad that weekend. I never really got to say goodbye. I did, but not in a way that really meant something.

When he got sick, it was like he almost chose to go. It was time for him to move onto bigger and better adventures. And he knew it. There is so much that I wish I could have said to him. There is so much knowledge that I would have like to pull from his brain. I guess I learned never to let things go unturned. Live each day as if you aren't coming back tomorrow.

All kinds of things are going through my head. How one thirty second phone call can change your life. Or that one phone call you didn't make... What would my life be like now if I had made that call. Who knows. I was dealt the cards I hold in my hands for a reason. The lessons are tough ones to learn. I'm just begining to wade through. I have a direction. I know I do.

More studying. I passed the NCIDQ and now I need to pass the CCRE Exam. That's April 24th.

I'm supposed to be working/training a gal in the office how to do Construction Document sets. She's 26 or 27? She's super sweet and is a hard worker, but isn't too bright. She takes twice as long to do things as I do, even if she knows what she is doing. She's just not very efficient. You ask her to do things another way and she balks at the idea. Then it takes her even longer. Go figure.

She also dresses way to provocatively for our industry. She'd be OK as a college student or a... oh man. I'm not sure what. We have to go out into the field tomorrow to measure at the Chamber of Commerce. They are ULTRA conservative. The last time I was there I wore nice tweed wide leg trowsers and a pink button down shirt. I felt under dressed. I mentioned to W today that she needed to be conservative when we went to measure. She promptly informed me that she won't dress the way others do and that she should not be judged as to how she dresses. It should be based on her preformance.

Well, unknown to her, our company has lost at least two jobs that I know of because of the way she dresses and handles herself. She's reactive and very girly. And not in a good way. She has the perfect SoCal body w/ blonde hair and wears skin tight clothes. I'm all for lookin' good, but a line has to be drawn in the business world when it comes to professional dressing. I'm trying to figure out a way to go by myself. I don't want to be embarassed. It doesn't look good for the company either.

She says she has no money to buy good clothes. Well... I can find awesome clothes at low prices. You just have to look. It's all about the fabrics and the cut. Everything she wears is skin tight, low cut, tummy showing in horrible cheap fabrics. It is possible to look sexy without that. Leave something to the imagination, not lay it all out there for everyone to see. Yikes. I'll bet you that my clothes budget is way lower than hers and I look like a pulled together, fun, individualized, trendy, yet conservative design professional. I need to sign her up for that "What Not to Wear" show on TLC. That should do it.

Much better now.

He got some sleep and I chilled out. We talked for about two hours about where we were, where we are and where we are going to.

I feel more at peace now.

The 80 minute massage helped quite a bit too. I had a coupon for the spa at my gym and they let me double up with another one I had. The damage was only $45.00. Love it! That and I left work at 3:15 to get there on time! That made it all worth it. Whew.

He actually slept from 1:00 yesterday afternoon until about 8:00 and then from 9:30 until 6:00 this morning when my alarm went off. He actually fell asleep in the bed talking to me. That was a first. Amazing. He's sleeping now. Thank goodness.

He got a new remote today and is going to fix the table leg and the door. Cool. I'm glad he's taking care of his mistakes so quickly. Hopefully this will be the last time. Nothing like quitting and anti-depressant cold turkey because of a serious heart condition. Yuck.

Hopefully there is a job in the wings for him. Liz was all excited about it today. She seemed to think that Vince was gearing up to hire him. This job would pay enough for us to get rid of our debt in about a year. Then we can move away from this expensive SoCal hell hole and get on with our lives in a house of our own in the mountains. I can't wait. We're going to adopt a greyhound too.

He actually said that he could see the light at the end of the tunnel when we were talking last night. He has never said that before.

Maybe our blow up got out a lot of the crap that has been festering and cleared the way for new things to come. I'm a firm believer in karma. Our up swing has got to happen soon. We've been dealt the roughest hand possible. Our turn for the royal flush.

OK. What to do.

Major marital blowup this morning. Major. Broken doors, broken table, broken remote, my broken heart.

What led to this disaster?

R has not been sleeping. R has no job. R was supposed to be in school by now. R is not living life and I got pissed. He sits in the dark office all day and plays Everquest. He's not even trying to get a job. He can't sleep, but he'll drink coffe and soda after 10:00 at night. Duh. I was so damn angry I said some things I shouldn't have. I freaked out and told him to hit me. He didn't, but now I'm the psycho one and he's turning it on me. I got so freaked out that we were going to end up back down the horrible path we were on after his accident. It smells exactly the same. It was so painful for me that I just put up my defences and lost it. He's now turning it so it will look like my fault. I shouldn't have to do this. How is it that someone as passionate, romantic and loving as me has ended up with this?

I just got off the phone with my best friend. We talked the whole thing out. I came to the conclusion that I said what I did because I was desparate to find a concrete reason for me to leave the relationship. If he hit me, I would have to leave and end my pain of watching him rot. It's been going so well for the past 8 or 9 months. We've been through hell and back. It was nice to see him make an effort to make our relationship work. So much for that.

I may move in with Christine for a few weeks just so he can see that it's not me that is causing his problems. It's his own self and lack of motivation. I'm just so tired of watching him at the bottom of his hole.

Much has happened since I last posted. Here's a snippet.

1) K relapsed last weekend and snorted about a grand of coke up her nose and maxed out three new credit cards on stuff for her apartment. Nice. She also left her check book over at her dealer's house. Even nicer. Aparently the out-patient treatment was about as effective as holding the tide back with a shovel. She has checked herself into an in-patient program for a minimum of 30 days. We'll see. I'm still the most concerned for her kids.

I guess I have no idea how she could get tangled up in something like this. I in no way have an addictive personality. I don't understand the compulsion. I make no claims to. I am finding out the cocaine is the worst as far as prying yourself away. The "Devil's Dandruf". I guess that sums it up.

2) I have no idea what is up with my frickin' uterus. I'll be six days late for a period and then I get all excited that I'm pregnant... then nothing. It's happened at least three times in the past year. Everything else is like clockwork. You could set a watch to my cycles.

I need to go talk to a doctor about this. I should make an appointment now as it will take three months to get in. We'll keep trying and see what happens until then.

What kills me is that one of my 'friends' is pregnant. She never wanted to be pregnant and there is a question as to wether the kid is her husband's or not. They have been on the brink of divorce for years. Their house is an angry house. She's been smoking too. Great.

Now I've gotta buy her a shower gift. I don't even want to go to the shower.

Why is it that people who shouldn't be allowed to breed can have kids and the people that want and deserve kids can't have one? One of life's cruel ironies.

3) I am so excited to go the the Buick Invitational tomorrow. We have so much fun every year. Last year I almost go whacked by Phil Mickelson. He was so apologetic! He's so tall!!! It's so much fun to follow Tiger or Phil or Vejay. The crowds are great. I love seeing the kids get all excited when they see Tiger! We're going with my favorite couple friends. Tommy is R's golfing buddy and is wife is as sweet as can be! They are so much fun to spend time with.

Tommy is from Texas. I love listening to him talk. If I see it's him on the caller ID, I purposefully won't pick up just so I can hear his message! They are great! He always tells the same jokes, but they are even funnier every time he tells them!

More later - must get back to work!

Happy Valentine's Day!

It's been awhile.

I'm so incredibly stressed out. Why? Well, I'm glad you asked.

- I have enough work for about 2 and a half of me with more in the wings. I'll have help soon, but I'll have to teach her as I go along, which is stressful in itself. It's hard to hand over work to someone less experienced when your name is on the project with all of the responsibility.

- I am really having a tough time with a certain someone in my office. She is an incredible bitch of a drama queen. She treats other co-workers as crappy assistants. Zero respect. Then she trashes you in an e-mail with false statements and copies your manager and the owner of the company. Wheeeeee!!! Gotta love that one. I'm going to have to pull her aside and let her know I truly don't appreciate her MO. Not in the slightest.

- R has been in and out of the ER & hospital for heart issues. He gets arhythmia (sp?) and a racing heart rate for no reason. They think it may be related to some medication he's taking that is causing Seratonin Syndrome. Not quite sure if I want to Google that one yet or not. It is very scary. I peeked at a website and the word 'fatal' was there. I've already almost lost him once. I don't want to be there again. Not now.

- The whole drug/money embezzlemnt fiasco is getting way worse. The tally is up over $80,000.00. There has to be more. Her habbit was $200.00 a day. She took it on an airplane to NYC & Vegas. WHAT?!!??! K could care less. She is in total denial. Now they think the husband is in on it too. Car payments were made out of her bosses accounts. Oy veh. The next problem is what to do with the kids. R & I are listed as guardians. I can't deal with two teenagers in our apartment now. Sorry. It would be worse for them. I think L has a bid in on a house. They may go to live with her for a while. N called R the other day completely freaked out that there was a drug dealer lurking outside the house. He was locked in the basement closet. How incredibly sad. The whole thing just makes me sick.

- I'm wondering if I'm pregnant. Could be. Not sure yet. Maybe not. Too soon to tell. Next week I'll know for sure. If I am, I wish the timing were a bit better, but we'll be happy nevertheless. I wonder what changes will be in store for us. I'm reserving any kind of excitement until I know for sure. As I should. I was beginning to wonder if I could have a child at all. Tick tock. I think I want just one. We'll see.

That's all for now.